What does one do?

So what do you do when you find out the guy you have a major crush, or even feelings for, tells you they are seeing someone else? That was today's big surprise when I was talking to Daryl at DT's. I can't tell you how long I have been waiting for him to be available to ask him out. When I did a reading about him and me not so long ago, someone was coming between us, and everyone I handed the reading to translated it as his ex. So, in a polite and curious way, I went to him and asked about his ex and told him mostly truths about why I was asking. During the conversation he mentioned he was seeing someone and my heart pretty much fell to pieces there and then. I hid it well (at least I am pretty sure, because his reaction didn't change), and I've been really chewed up thinking about it on the tram trip and walk home.
I've spent months keeping an eye on Daryl, making sure he was alright, praying for him as he went through his issues and gave him gifts to aid him in the process. Please tell me it wasn't for nothing. I know Daryl knows I have an interest in him, but I have made it look mainly sexual because I didn't want him too clued in until the time was right. But now it seems the right time has come and gone without my noticing.
I can't go through this again. I can't believe that I have spent the last five months waiting patiently for a guy to sort himself out to simply have it all fall apart without me even having a shoe-in. I really wanted it to work. I have been through this too many times to think that this is the way my life is going to be. I know it is lovely to be someone closely involved in a relationship between friends, because I have guided and supported many a couple, whether they have fallen out or not. I have watched my friends fall in and out of love with many people while I have remained single. It is a rewarding feeling when I see my friends in love and I make new friends as well, but I'm sorry, it is becoming too much. Am I to spend the rest of my life doing this, being the idle watcher as others get into relationships and all my best efforts fall to pieces?
I have decided, as I always do, that if Daryl and I aren't to be together for the time, then I am content to be friends with him and make the best of it. But for frells sake, I am not going through this again. it is hurting me too much to think that I have to face this again. If this is another life lesson, then I accept it, for it is something more advanced that I have learned from past interests. Each one is more progressive than others, but it is killing me to have to sit and be patient while I keep looking.
I knew perfectly well the riss I was running with Daryl, I knew that it might fall apart before the word go, but I was hoping that the word go might come first, because it barely does in almost all instances. Des; dated a few times, contact was dropped without a word. Michael: never met, but a lot of contact on a continued basis. Dropped out of contact suddenly. Ric: dated for a bit and contentedly decided to wait until he was ready, but he was seeing someone at the same time and he went into a relationship with that guy. Ric and I are still friends, and the relationship sadly ended, but it hasn't given me any bright prospects either. so what now? Daryl: waited and aided the healing process only to be rewarded with what was there to begin with? A content reward, but in all respects, hardly a fair one.
I even had a wonderful dream about Daryl last night. I drempt he and I were staying with my Mum and Greg, and the three of them were getting on quite nicely, and then Daryl and I went walking down the street as I was showing him the way somewhere, and I woke up. But it was so touching, and that there was a proper connection between Daryl and me, like the way I want it to be here in the waking world. But dreams are just that, dreams. Emotions felt there are not always the same, nor reflect the truth as it is here in reality. I can't really begin to relate the hurt that is running through me nor the tears on the edge of my vision.
But here is what I have decided to do; I am going to do a reading for Daryl relating to his ex, to make sure it really is the ex that has rocked up in a few of my overviews, or if it is his new boy (Alexander). I know the truth hurts, but it is better than laboring under misconception. Whatever the answers are, whatever the outcome is going to be, I will accept it with the good graces I always have, no matter how many tears I silently shed, or the small amount of truth I have to keep from Daryl, to which one day I will own up to, whether it hurts him, me or both. Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but if I have to experience that, can I at least get some good love time in?
I've gone on enough. I think I am going to either have a brake-down now or distract myself with the one thing that always works... a good book. I started the book I got for Christmas from my family up in Campletown. Thanks guys, I'm ony up to chapter four and it is already got me on edge. With much love,
Perry