Movie Review

Title: Lone Wolf and Cub – Baby-Cart to Hades
Starring: Tomisaburo Wakayama, Akihiro Tomikawa, Go Kato, Yuko Hamada
Rating: 3 Indestructible Baby-carts
Review: So here we are for another round.
This movie is again, titled oddly, since the movie does not send baby-cart to Greece, nor does it even bring us a Deity of the same name. It is simply poor English translation for what the movie should really be about. But japlish notwithstanding, what the title suggests I that Ogami Itto (Tomisaburo) is going up against a tough force, as befitting a king of the underworld, or someone in a position of power who is to be feared.
The movie starts as you might expect, Itto pushing Daigoro (Akihiro Tomikawa) along to a boat where he tethers baby cart to be pulled along. This otherwise peaceful scene is only disturbed when a lady, clearly distressed, drops a bundle in the water and Daigoro fishes it out for her. Itto also uses the reflective surface of his sword to see that the boat is being tailed by bamboo pipes. Not surprising that the Yagyu clan have not dropped their hatred for him.
En route to the main point of the tory, Itto cuts their bamboo trre purches and them down. Later, ahead of him, we meet what was then known as a group of ronin (lower-class samurai) commonly referred to as watari-kashi. In English, wandering mercenaries. There are four, three over-excitable and one who is rather moody and brooding. While the four men sit and rest from the heat, they spot an escort and two women; a mother and daughter, headed their way. The three more excitable men attack the escort and rape the women and the forth does nothing. When the moment comes, the last ronin cuts down the escort and his ladies, then makes his friends draw straws. The loser gets cut down just as Itto appears on the scene.
Itto cuts down the last two men and discovers that the last man is known as Kanbei, a dishonoured Samurai. Kanbei has certainly heard of the Lone Wolf, and requests a fight. Just before it starts, Itto declares the match a draw.
Itto retires to the next village and the Inn there, where we meet our distressed lady for before. She is in the hands of her pimp and about to be sold to prostitution, when she escapes into itto’s care after biting off the pimps tongue. Itto can get rid of the police easily, but not the Yakuza. Head of the Yakuza, one Torizo. Note that she is probably the inspiration for the character O-ren Ishii (Lucy Liu) in Kill Bill.
After a anter of words twee n Itto and Torizo, he frees the woman from prostitution by facing what they call ‘buri-buri’ Naturally, Itto survives. He still ahs to answer for the pimp’s death. For that, he agrees to assassinate a corrupt minister. Note that this character is the inspiration for Minister Kataoka, Tenchu 1, PS1.
The minister is protected by two bodyguards, one a expert marksman and one a master swordsman. Itto cleverly uses Daigoro as a decoy to get the marksman to swim in the water, making him leave his pistols on the shore, since they are not yet waterproof, and he gets cut down quickly. The other goes down in a sword fight (as if you didn’t guess that). So our minister calls on 200 men to face Ittoin a final showdown. But what chance do archers and pistolmen have against bullet-prrof baby-cart armed with machine guns? Not a lot really.
The onslaught of 201 men bring out the true power of baby cart, and it brings down the minister. And out of the dust appears Kanbei, who gets his battle.
Now, while reading this is making the plot sound very simple, I have removed all the parts that got highly confusing. And also because the filming didn’t add any extra light upon scnes that are shot at night, I really have no idea what a few scenes are about, or what context they add to the storyline (-1). But hey, havin’ a bitchin’ baby cart makes up for all that, even though it is seriously impractical to have that much weaponry within the cart, still have it float and have a child sit within it. But what does impracticality have to do with a good movie?
I think it might just be the writing of the script, but this story hasn’t stuck together as well as the other films of this series I have seen. Simply that there are many points where I got lost on why I was seeing what I was seeing, or if the context was simply for our benefit in some way. While I won’t take a point off for that, as I do understand it in some way, I will point out that you need to read and look fast the determine everything that is going on… if you don’t understand fluent Japanese that is.
The last point came off because of Kanbei. I can’t say too much, but one of scenes is highly improbable. But it does raise a lot of interesting points on human biology. I did have to ask some questions after watching the film.
I could watch this film again, because I understand it a bit more now, and I get a lot fo what is going on. But I think it would only be in a Lone Wolf marathon. Remind me to organise one when I have finished watching the movies.

Title: The Thing
Starring: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton, Ulrich Thomsen, Eric Christian Olsen.
Rating: 3 Reproducing Aliens
Review: This is one of those movies with a familiar scent to it. Within ten minutes, you know it is going to be a survival horror against the Thing that wouldn’t die and that it is going to end horribly for the people involved. Whatever will we do? Sit there and wave goodbye to people as you can tell they are about to do stupid things in the face of reality.
So, to clue you in, this movie is a mix of Resident Evil virus ideals, Invasion without the jokes and a movie based sol\y in the arctic that I haven’t seen to name. But, when you combine all that, you have an idea.
Let me introduce you around our main characters. We have Kate Llyod (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) who is our nervous but clever heroin. She has a crush on Adam Finch (Eric Christian Olsen) and while he is a little in the head, he is pretty spankable…. Nice. He may or may not survive. He introduces us to Dr. Sander Halvorson (Ulrich Thomsen) who is your standard “I am right and you are wrong because I am on the virge of scientific breakthroughs and I don’t care what it costs us.” In other words, the idiot who can’t see past his Nobel Prize for alien discoveries. He is going to (on accident of course) set loose one of the most dangerous entities not known to man. He is also the one you will spend most of the movie rooting for the Thing to come down on top of him and give him a slow and painful death.
Finally, we have Carter (no first or last name, rank or serial number) (Joel Edgerton) who is going to be the heroic sidekick at the end of the film. Survival not guaranteed.
In short, the good doctor invites kate out to an arctic dig sight with very little information, saying that there is a specimen and a thing out there. Kate, for reason, agrees to go. She goes with Adam finch, who has a bit of a thing for her, and off they set. When they find the dig site, it is a mess, but it also contains a sizable UFO and a frozen alien life form. Kate has a knowledge of digging things out of the ice so she helps them retrieve this thing. But she is cautious upon retrieving it, and insists hat they need to let it thaw properly. The doctor, however, is defiant of anything anyone has to say and gets the sample.
During the celebrations that night, everyone gets a little sloshed and the Thing breaks free. It claims a few lives and, while they are researching (slightly sloshed) discover it can reproduce natural/organic material, but not fake material. So it basically recreates you without any of your unnatural implants like fillings or metal pins. It then bursts forth in an array of toothed tentacles in an attempt to suck away your natural fluids, or bond with you.
As numbers dwindle and people die the building slowly burns to the ground, thanks to the number of flamethrowers conveniently on hand. Despite the language barrier between some characters, we seem to be able to organise ourselves.
So what does the Thing want? To return to the Mother Ship of course! So that is where we will have our final showdown. Of course, when going into a place where you can be cloned as simply as be killed, be sure to note what inorganic materials your partner has on them.
As for me, I think this movie is a good way to spend a few hours watching people get slaughtered by their stupidity. This backs up the continuous idea that people in a horror movie have never seen a horror movie, otherwise they would have an idea of what to do. Here are my tips: Don’t sit there holding a gun while watching your opponent get stronger so it can kill you. Don’t run off suddenly. Keep in contact with the only person who is armed. And while I could give negs out for these things, I will actually give them out to the man and huskie who survive somehow and another to the SCIENTISTS who think porcelain is an ORGANIC material. But I did enjoy watching the special CGI of human bondage, and that while one person was being… genetically possessed (?), the camera angle made it look like seriously painful buttsex for the giver.

Title: Vanishing on 7th Street
Starring: Hayden Christensen, John Leguizamo, Thandie Newton, Jacob Latimore
Rating; 3 Ghostly Shadows
Review; When it comes to horror movies, the key ingredients these days seem to be how close can you realistically let the main characters escape before their luck finally ends? This short movie seems to be right on that, since there isn’t a lot else for it to do, and more than once do I find myself muttering ‘stop developing your characters and get on with it. You’re all going to die.’
Our story starts with Paul (John Leguizamo) who is the guy who watches the film reel whie you watch the film in the cinema. He (oddly enough) has a hobby in studying the bizarre and unusual things. His knowledge is expanded by the nuber of hours he works and fails to pick up the girl at the candy bar. Suddenly, all the lights go out and he is on his own. Piles of clothes suggest where people once existed, and now don’t. Few others make it and they all have a source of light in a now otherwise electricless world. But Paul’s light goes out and he is devoured by the shadow.
Next morning we meet Luke (Hayden Christensen) who is our movies’ MacGiver and survival expert. He takes forever to realise that something is wrong, even when he sees piles of clothing where people aught to be, flooded water across his apartment and nothing electrical works. It finally dawns on him (real time one hour later) when he walks out onto the street reading yesturdays paper and realises that, for a large American Cty, it is seriously quiet.
We also meet Rosemary (Thandie Newton) who is a nurse. Her survival skills are matched only by her paranoid delusions which are quickly replaced by pure skill and survival determination.
Three days after Luke awakens, he has survived long enough, not helped others to survive and looking for somewhere to hold up. He finds a bar on Seventh Street where James (Jacob Latimore) is waiting his mother to return. Between him, Luke and Rosemary, they devise a plan, although the plan is dependent on the survival of a generator and not a lot else.
We know from here that the evil is the darkness that moves, and it is whispering continuously. It also forgot to ensure that Paul’s light was turned off properly, and spat him back into existence promptly upon its relighting, looking a lot worse for wear. Rescued by Luke, the four of them need to find a way to survive. We have two adult men, one adult woman who has kissed one of the adult men and a young kid who is 12. Movie standards dictate that either the couple-to-be will survive or only one person will survive. The other most likely survivor is the little girl who can’t be older than 8 with the endless light supply. Is she is physical manifestation of hope or a stupid kid who doesn’t know help when she sees it? Figuratively both, probably.
So what is the point of the movie? All the suggested ut unconfirmed suggestions are that the world is going through a reset. God, in his infinite knowledge and wisdom, ahs decided to reset the world, and is using dark shadows to rid the world of those who are not worthy (ie, everyone except those needed to survive). He will do whatever he can to suck in those who are clutching to their mortality and have no light source. False hope and delusions are granted to those who pray to him. Those who don’t will just be outwitted.
This is another urvival movie that does not come to any great ending. Nothing is really resolved for an hour and a half of watching. All we know is that, when desperate enough, people with injuries can survive physical challenges. God is eventually going to wipe us all out (probably at the end of this year0 and no matter how many batteries you pack, there just isn’t enough power to get you through the darkness, since daylight comes later (after noon), sets sooner (probably less than two hours later) and it is night time evermore.
All up, the lack of resolving plot, the overuse of character development to fill in time and the excuse that “it’s a Chevy” to explain why one car works when a million others don’t is just reason to fill in what was otherwise a 45 minute thriller. I really don’t care where the points come out. The movie is worth watching if you fast forward through the character development points, but otherwise I might give this one a miss from here on out.

Title: Annie
Starring:
Rating: Three Red Dresses
Review: One cannot go through life without knowing a song form Annie, and by odds it will be ‘Tomorrow’ or ‘It’s A Hark-Knock Life’. So when Annie was part of a 2-for-1 deal, I took it. You know the story, about a young girl who is adopted and warms the heart of everyone around her. She also has this uncanny ability to have a song for every hour of the day. Sherry Boppins had it right when she asked if she was a flipping duke box. Press the button, a song comes out.
So rather than tell the story like I usually do, I thought I’d just go through the movie and pick at it. And to begin with, I want to know how long it took to film, since a lot of the key actors are young girls between 7 and 12. So teaching them the dance-moves, the songs, coordination etc, would have been a challenge, because you couldn’t behave in a certain way under stress.
What the movie didn’t do for me was present was Annie (Aileen Quinn) as an ideal girl, which is what a lot of the premise is. What I see is a determined girl, to be sure, but also a girl who has absolutely no gratitude for anyone around her. I don’t expect her to show gratitude to the bossy girls at her orphanage or Miss. Hannigan (we love you Miss. Hannagin) but when other people display kindness to her, she is quite rude. No please, no thank you (well, hardly ever) and she is rather greedy. She is treated better than a lot of the people around her and she is rather insensitive. You will notice she is the only one at the orphanage who has a deep colour of clothing while the others wear what Is considered a regulated dress code for them. So I find this ‘sweet adorable girl that you’ll fall in love with over and over again’ somewhat of a brat from the get-go. (-1)
I got a lot of amusement out of Miss. Hannigan (Carol Burnett), considering she is such a lush of a skank. Any man that walks through the door (except for Rooster) is instantly going to have her clinging to their leg with her head bobbing slightly from the amount of alcohol consumed. And considering she drinks straight from the vase, I don’t think she cares where it comes form. Mr.Warbucks’(Albert Finney) and Miss. Hannigan’s song is amusing enough proof of this. (Note to self; suggest this song to a few drag queens.)
Grace (Ann Reinking) was amusing enough. She is a peaceful character with a sensible head, just so timid about some things and forward about others. She and Mr. Warbucks suit each other, considering their similar personality traits like this. Mr.W can jump from aggressive republican to adoring father figure in the blink of an eye, while she can be so timid around him until she has to stand up for something or encourage someone, then she puts her foot down. I worry about Annie’s upbringing considering both their personalities and their lack of ability to discipline her in anything that is not a luxury sport.
I took the other point off because when Annie finds her parents (despite the fact they’re not), she is completely unhappy to see them. The thing that has kept her going for life has come to fruition and she is not in tears, swept away from everything to discover they have come back for her. She is seriously rude to them and completely in reversal of any adoration. I didn’t expect her to run to their arms or anything, but seriously, no tears, no sign of anger or upsets, she’s just staring and uncertain. (-1).
Well, I own the movie and I can always review the music at my leisure, or at this rate, I could have a night of musicals, either animated or not. Depends on what you wanted I guess, but hours of music either way.

Overall Top 10
1) Silent Hill (4.5) (Own)
2) The Color Purple (4.5) (Own)
3) The Frightners (4) (Purchase)
4) The Prestige (4) (Own)
5) Shortbus (4) (Purchase)
6) The Addams Family (4) (Own)
7) Splinter (4) (Purchase)
8) Night of the Living Dead (4) (Own)
9) Lone Wolf and Cub; baby-Cart at the River Styx (4) (Own)
10) Mrs.Doubtfire (4) (Purchase)