Monday, October 16, 2017

Lyric Correction: Dear Future Husband

So one of the artists that I’m developing a love/hate relationship with is Meghan Trainor. I appreciate her empowering lyrics and dance vibe in music, however one song I came across recently really puts me out. That song is “Dear Future Husband”. The song, as it suggests, is a love letter (of sorts) to the man who will one day be her husband. The song goes on to suggest the things she expects and hopes for. What is in great detail is how he will look after her and help her be a better person. What is also clear is that there is no room for compromise; he is treated like a lesser and the only thing he could possibly be interested in is getting his end away. Even to the point that if he disagrees with her, there is no booty for him. So, I’ve re-written the song to be a bit more compromising and, for me, a bit more to my personal taste. Please enjoy.

Original Lyrics
Omitted Lyrics
Changed Lyrics

Dear Future Husband
Dear future husband
Here's a few things
You'll need to know if you wanna be
My one and only all my life

Take me on a date
Let’s go on a date
I deserve a break
We deserve a break
And don't forget the flowers every anniversary
And we’ll be buying flowers every anniversary
'Cause if you'll treat me right
I'll be the perfect wife
I’ll be your loving wife
Buying groceries
Buy-buying what you need
You got that 9 to 5
But, baby, so do I
And, baby, so do I
So don't be thinking I'll be home and baking apple pies
I never learned to cook
We will both have to cook
But I can write a hook
We’ll learn it from a book
Sing along with me
Sing-sing along with me (Hey)
You gotta know how to treat me like a lady
You gotta know that I’ll treat you right baby
Even when I'm acting crazy
Even when I drive ya crazy
Tell me everything's alright
You’ll know everything’s alright
Dear future husband
Here's a few things you'll need to know if you want to be
My one and only all my life
Dear future husband
If you wanna get that special lovin'
If we’re gonna have that special lovin’
Tell me I'm beautiful each and every night
We’ll make it beautiful each and every night.
After every fight
Just apologize
We’ll apologize
And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right
And maybe then we will try to find a compromise
Even if I was wrong
You know I'm never wrong
You know ya could be wrong
Why disagree?
We will agree
Why, why disagree?
To just disagree
You gotta know how to treat me like a lady
I wanna know that you’ll treat me right baby
Even when I'm acting crazy
Even when you drive me crazy
Tell me everything's alright
I’ll know everything’s alright
Dear future husband
Here's a few things
You'll need to know if you want to be
My one and only all my life (Hey, baby)
Dear future husband
Make time for me
Don't leave me lonely
Even just phone me
And know we'll never see your family more than mine
And first we’ll go and see your family and then mine.
I'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed (Hey)
Open doors for me and you might get some kisses
Don't have a dirty mind
We’ll have a dirty time
Just be a classy guy
And still we’ll make it fine
Buy me a ring
Forget the ring
Buy-buy me a ring, babe
We’ll be handfasting, babe
You gotta know how to treat me like a lady
You gotta know that we’ll get it right baby
Even when I'm acting crazy
Even when we’re old and crazy
Tell me everything's alright
We’ll know that we got it right.
Dear future husband
Here's a few things
You'll need to know if you want to be
My one and only all my life
Dear future husband
If you wanna get that special loving
If we’re gonna have that special lovin’
Tell me I'm beautiful each and every night
We’ll make it beautiful, each and every night
Future husband, better love me right
Future husband, we’ll get it right. 

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Plebiscite Experience

Hi all,
         So here we are in 2017, and we in Australia are falling behind the rest of the world in the Marriage Equality deal. Well, the western world where it is a more accepted practice anyway. I've been watching quietly for a while now as people have been having their say and battling it out in one way or another. Even though this is something that I want for others and myself, we are going through this nastier approach to the situation. Thank you Murmbull (Malcolm Turnbull) for your forethought on this. 
Now, I've had a very unique experience in this, and I've had a hard time trying to find people who can relate, much less sympathize, And it has been a lot more difficult because of how other people are reacting in some places. This is when I see people saying things like "If you Vote No, you can delete me from your Facebook" and that stupid approach in many ways. I find it foolish. Why does one opinion matter so much? if your best friend from years back voted against you, would you unfriend them? What if you couldn't remove people that easily? This whole "Us and them" idealism is stupid, and while we watch Donald Trump design walls between America and Mexico and laugh about it, a less practical yet still dividing set of events is taking place here. There is no difference, except the literal wall is now metaphorical. 
And the divide won't help anyone. We still need to live with each other, regardless of the outcome. So, No team: be prepared for same love to happen. Yes team: be prepared to have political and emotional backlash for a victory or defeat. In the meantime, choose your battles. I was disappointed when I saw a photo of posters from Yes voters that said "Fuck off and give us our rights!". Mhmm, because that's constructive. Respecting your opponent is a good way to get what you want without war. I know they might resort to a few dirty tricks, but that doesn't mean sinking to their level. And honestly, if I swore at you in such a manner to get something from you, do you honestly think you'd give it to me willingly and with a smile? I don't think so.
So my experience, a very deep and painful one that shook me very deeply. As you know, I work in Aged Care providing activities and emotional support to my residents. When you have been doing this very consistently for nearly 5 years, you become important to them, and they notice your absence. So when the voting slips came and I'm appointed the one to give them out, I gotta tell you it was difficult. I had to explain to the residents what it was about, what to do ad that if they needed help, I can answer questions, and all without providing a "Tick the yes box" suggestion. 
So, that can't be too bad. A far as they are concerned, I'm just being helpful, and this has no impact on me (because not all of them know I'm gay). The ones who do know voted Yes (by majority to my knowledge). That was great, and it was about the only thing that held me up for the day. Other residents, not so great. I had a few of them fill in their forms there and then in front of me, ticked No, discussing with each other that gays are less that worthy, then handing back the form to me to send. 
"That's okay Perry, just throw out the form, it won't make a difference." I got that a few times, and it is a good sign that people don't know me well. I cannot, in good conscience, stop people having their say. It is their entitlement and their right. What sort of person would I be to deny other people their rights in order to get mine? 
So the difficult part has been: how do you be nice to people who voted against you having the same rights as them? I can't remove them off my Facebook, I can't avoid them, I can't mistreat them. I have to continue living with them beyond this moment. I have to continue on as if nothing has happened, as if my heart wasn't ripped out of me by people I have a good relationship with, and keep on keeping on. The only way to get away from them is either a transfer or to quit my job. Not an option I will entertain at this point because I have little in the way of a fallback plan.
So this has been, and will be my experience; people in my life being able to say No to my face and me not being able to do anything about it. Now I say this in the knowledge that other people will go through hardships through this, and Deity knows I've heard some stories. I know people will suffer more than I have on this, and that is all very true. However the relief that I don't get is to be able to say something to the people challenging me. They get to battle, to discuss, to debate, to argue (if it gets to that) about it. I've had to stand there and take all the blows without looking like I care. I've cried, dammit! I've been very tempted to be a jerk to these people. But that would be below me. That would be putting a "Fuck off and give me my rights" poster up outside their room to see every day.
It won't solve anything and probably escalate the situation. 
So as this bullshit winds on, and it has a long way to go, please make yourself better for it. Put yourself above your taunters and bullies. Prove you can forgive (without forgetting) and please find a way to fight back without violence or unnecessary tactics. Kindness will always defeat them, and will undo anything they can do. Or, if that doesn't work, confuse them with subtle humor and sarcasm.
So, now you know. My own position on this whole debacle is full of difficulties that few are going to experience and even fewer are going to understand. Please, be nice to each other. Don't let a friend voting against you be the end of something. Let it simply be a situation to disagree and move on from. The world will be much more beautiful when we find forgiveness, understanding and compromise. These are the things of Love. If you want to back up your claims of love, follow the path it is a part of.  


Sunday, October 8, 2017

And we're back

Hi everyone,
                  So I've been away for a while, and now I'm back. I've decided that I need to start blogging again so that I can express a few things, ad potentially get a number of opinions out of my system. I find hand-writing them doesn't quite work as well as it should, so back to the keyboard. 
So while I will hold off my expressions from this entry, I will list a few things I've done since I left here in 2013.
  • 2014-2015; I was part of the MGLC (Melbourne gay and Lesbian Chorus). This was a pursuit of both socializing and music. And while I enjoyed the stage performances and organizing some of the events that were there, I also found I didn't work well with the dynamics. So after a number of events close together, I left the choir at the beginning of the 2016 season. I attempted to return this year, however I worked out that I was not welcome by many (and some really wanted me as well, so it wasn't a disaster as a whole) and that doing choral music doesn't suit me any more. 
  • Around April 2015 I started taking singing lessons with the wonderful Parke O'Dwyer. I've learned a lot vocally, and we are now working on some songs in my vision of music. I am really excited for its completion in (hopefully) early December.
  • In June 2015 I started studying Kung Fu. At present I have risen to level 6 and going for my level seven. My teacher Chris is very good and I learn a lot from him.    
  • In January 2016, I turned 30. I spent months planning my birthday, and the night was the most beautiful I've had in a long time before e or since. I was simply happy all night.
  • In 2016, I finally earned my Cert III in Psychosomatic Therapy. It has been a long time coming, however I am very pleased to have this skill at this level, and look forward to developing it further. 
  • In October 2016, I joined a gaming group in Melbourne for Gay Gamers (Gaymers). I still remember my first night there; people were friendly and inclusive, no one was rude about my low vision and were patient with me learning games. I've been going for about a year now, and I look forward to it each week and feel rather empty if I don't go. 
  • This year, I got it with a lot of inspirations, and have created a board/card game of my own. I'm going to try and sell the game, so here's hoping. 
Still single, and while there was someone of interest  around winter 2013 on and off for about a year, it didn't work out. However, I am still my beautiful self and getting better.
So with this brief catch-up, I'm going to sig off this quick entry, and look forward to seeing your resonances on future entries. With much love,
Perry B 

Photo: The Phryne Festival Murder Mystery Dinner, May 2015

Thursday, February 21, 2013

The Movie Review

The Movie Review
Welcome to the new look movie review, where your movies are still reviewed, but in a slightly different style.
The top 10 list has been removed, owing to that it is constantly changing, and therefore doesn’t remain consistent. In the near future, I’ll post something like my top 50, which would be movies that got ratings of 4 and up. But if my mental count serves me correctly, that is going to take some time as well.
There is also a bit more information on the film, such as director, genre and (if applicable) awards. Just a little extra information to add to your collection if useless facts.
The other thing I am going to do in the near future is start reviewing TV series by season. Why? Because I can! Most TV series by season, say for a few, have an underlying plot. This is more what I will focus in on. However that will not be starting for a little while.
So without further ado, let us begin the review.  

Title: Skyfall (2012)
Starring: Daniel Craig, Judi Dench, Javier Bardem, Ralph Fiennes, Naomie Harris, Ben Whishaw
Director: Sam Mendes
Genre: Action, Adventure, Crime
Awards:  7 awards, including a Golden Globe for Best Original Song (Adele), as well as Critics Choice 2012 for best Actor (Daniel Craig) and Best Song.
Rating: Four abandoned mansions
Review: It’s another Bond film. Daniel Craig makes his 3rd outing as Bond one to remember. This is a good thing considering what a snore I found ‘Quantum of Solace’ to be. There was definitely a lot of ground to make up. But even so, going into the movie, it is important to remember that this is all before the first Bond movie ‘Dr. No’ which was released in 1962. So there are a list of things to happen, such as a male M stepping in somewhere, Moneypenny being hired, Q branch being officially introduced, and (for real movie buffs) Bond needs to spend 6 months in hospital because of his gun jamming. Well, most of this will be answered; and sadly, the context will be destroyed.
So our movie opens, like all good Bond movies, with an action-packed chase and someone getting shot. This is a chase to get what is known simply as ‘the list’ from a hitman. James Bond (Daniel Craig) chases him on foot, in car and on train until his partner, a female whom we have no real name for, takes a wild shot and hits James, not the hitman. Bond is presumed dead. There is an error right here for consistency. The character Bronson, who appears in most Pierce Brosnan Bond movies, is killed in the first two minutes of the film. How can he be dead here and alive in ‘future’ events, considering that Peirce Brosnan’s films haven’t happened yet? Oops!
A few months later, M (Judi Dench) is informed that, because of her failure to retrieve the list, which is the identity and location of every secret agent under cover in criminal organizations, she is going to be retired. She has two months to get things organized and sorted. Upon attempting to return to her office, she discovers her computer is being hacked and a bomb is detonated. MI6 is moved to an underground location. The international news of this attack reaches James, who has been hiding for two months, and he feels he should return to help M. He does this in a similar fashion to ‘Casino Royale’ by breaking into her apartment.
Bond is evaluated on all his abilities, considering he still suffers from the shot wound in his right shoulder. M states that he only just passed, and that she is sending him off to find the terrorists and recover the list.
Enter Q (Ben Whishaw) to arm Bond with his new equipment. So what will it be this time? A machine gun inside a briefcase? No! A laser pen? Nope! A swing rope in a bowtie? Nein! Something interesting on the same level? Nah-uh! Apparently the age of the exploding pen is behind them. WTF? IT HASN”T HAPPENED YET! DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THE DEFINITION OF CONTEXT? YOU ARE AS BAD AS SUETHORS! All this, a lot of profanity, and more, went through my head when I heard this. BIG -1 for the fact you can’t even work your own timeline.
This leads to a chase into China, where Bond catches up with the hitman, and throws him off a building without getting a further lead. Bond follows a new target he spotted from the hit the hitman was in the middle of and he is taken straight to our villain. Silva (Javier Barden) is quite the silver-tongued villain, and he is quite separate to a lot of other ‘boss’ villains, in that he does a lot of his own dirty work, and few other Bond bosses tend to be the same. Silva performs one of the best scenes that will be the topic of many sex fics to come, in that he starts cracking onto Bond and being touchy-feely with him. Turned me on, and the banter that followed was exceptional. +.5 for creating a new level of diversity. So what is Silva’s problem? Well, he is exMI6, and blames M for what happened to him.
Bond manages to capture him and his oversized computer. Of course there is a mass encryption on the computer that needs hacking, and it was put there by a computer genius. Q, the other computer genius, hacks into it with Bond’s help, all the while ignoring the metaphorical yet blindingly obvious ‘this is a trap, do not access’ sign that comes with such things. MI6 is hacked and Silva is free, and he going after M, who is presently on trial for her actions, and he intends to put a bullet in her. She is the one responsible for the fact that, when captured, his cyanide pill didn’t kill him, but ravaged and damaged his system. As stated in ‘Die Another Die,’ the rules are simple. “I know the rules, and the first one is no deals. If you get caught you’re given up.” This is the deal that all agents subscribe to. So why is Silva being such a fucking pansy?
In any event, the chase is on, and Bond, getting M to safety, has to find a place to hide her for a while so that he has time to prepare to fight Silva. So they swap into Bond’s old Aston martin from ‘Goldfinger’ which is, again, yet to happen. Like the tribute, dislike the lack of context, points can remain the same.
So now we understand the title of ‘Skyfall’, inthat it is the name of Bon’ds manor house that he lived in before he became an orphan. Between himself, M, the caretaker and one rifle, they set up the house into a death trap for any and all who come in. And so the final battle is set.
So what will we discover during all this? Eve Moneypenny (Naomie Harris) is the field operative that shot James. M is replaced by a male (Ralph Fiennes) and that Bond is ready to continue working for MI6.
As far as Bond plots go, this has been a really interesting one. Some have been ver technical, others over dramatic and others to sci-fi. This gets back to Bond as he should be. Bond is supposed to be cold and direct, independent and unemotional. Daniel Craig has been good at all of this and has removed a lot of the things that previous Bond actors have set up. This movie doesn’t have much sex at all, and for anyone who ahs read the Bond books, they don’t contain a lot of sex either. This is a massive misdemeanor about Bond. He is not charming and a chick magnet. That was Sean Connery pretending to be Bond, and every actor and writer kept to that idea, even though it is not who bond is. Even Ian Flemming was unhappy with Sean Connery as Bond. If Daniel Craig were around back then, Bond would be a very different franchise.
Moving on! I’m actually happy to see a villain doing his own dirty work, as previously stated, but there s more to it than that. He goes back to the original ideas and advantage gaining tricks that aren’t used as much. Disguise, paid men/disguised goons, stolen cars, blending in, etc. None of this high powered weapons crap to blast a hole into the side of the city. It is kept simple. And even for Bond at points, he uses the KISS rule to counteract Silva.
My other real problem is that Bond makes too much of a speedy recovery. We know from watching (and later told) that he is unfit for duty, and that he ahsn’t got the health or fitness to be doing what he is doing anyway. His recovery is too quick and Silva, for some reason best knwn to himself, puts a loaded gun into the hands of his prisoner. I’d neg that if it wasn’t a needed plot point.
So what is the final -.5? It is for sheer laziness of the writers. A little research on where things are supposed to land wouldn’t have killed them. I know I negged it before, but I’m going to do it again in a different context. All they had to do is sit down and watch about the first half hour of ‘Dr.No’, and probably not even that much, to realize where things had to land. And while most of these points were covered (say for two) the still felt that technology trumps plotline. The answer is; it doesn’t.
For all Bond fans, this movie is an important part of your collection, as it answers a lot of points from Casino Royale through to what is needed to be. I am impressed with the story and plot, even if it means giving up some timeline construction that they could have gotten around cleanly anyway. I’d definitely want this on DVD the instant it comes out.

Title: Burlesque (2010)
Starring: Cher, Christina Aguilera, Cam Gigandet, Eric Dane, Stanley Tucci
Director: Steve Antin
Genre: Musical, Drama, Romance
Awards: 4 awards for ‘Best Original Song’ awarded to Dianne Warren (Writer) for “You haven’t Seen the last of Me.” Performed by Cher
Rating: 3.5 Burlesque Dancers
Review: A musical… with an interesting title… some big name singers… one metrosexual guy… sexual diversity… what could be so bad? Well, not a lot really. The music is great, the dancing is spectacular and the humor is pretty good too. So let’s get down to show business.                  
Burlesque is the story of Ali (Christina Aguilera) as she runs away form her life as a waitress to fid life in Hollywood. Where else can life be found? With her new apartment and some money, she goes searching for a job, and finds herself at ‘Burlesque’, just in time to see Tess (Cher) perform the opening number. Apparently, she is the only singer. Ali tries to get work as a dancer and gets shot down on the spot, so she takes up a tray and starts serving people. She now has a job.
Returning home one evening, she finds her place robbed. With nowhere to go, she ges to her friend Jack (Cam Gigandet) for help. Jack is a metro guy who has a fiancé wh is ff doing a show in New York, so Ali staying on his couch is fine for him. As time goes by, this arrangement will change more times than a channel surfer changes channels.
Ali finally gets her audition and gets the job. When Nikki (Kristen Bell) tries to sabotage Ali for taking her place by killing the backing track, Ali starts singing. The band strikes up and off they go off. This gives Tess the idea that Ali is going to bring in their much needed money, which is needed soon or else the banks will foreclose.
The drama twists and turns until Tess discovers that she ahs 48 hours to come up with the money. Ali, who has been dating Marcus (Eric Dane), who is also an interested buyer, finds a way to protect the club. This all goes on while Jack falls out with his fiancé, gets with Ali only to have the fiancé show up and on and on the drama goes.
So when it comes to musicals, there are certain things to look out for. One of these is fall-down plots, in that the climax is so bland and pointless, you wonder what the last hour and a half of music and mayhem was all for. Burlesque certainly delivered on this, and the plot, while building up to the make-or-break point, was interesting, it didn’t finish with what I’d call a surprise ending. And if you are as clued as I am, you will find the small hint of plot point that tells you the ending. This drives me nuts. Even in listening to the soundtrack without a hint of what the plot is, I came up with a better story. So I am disappointed in the idea that something more interesting couldn’t have been done to create a more dramatic ending to go with the dramatic context. -1.
The next issue I had was the relationship between Jack and Ali. I’m not sure if she is just a bossy bitch with men or if he is a push-over with women, because they don’t display these personality traits when facing the same gender. She is next to blackmailing him, he is an over-accomidating mother-figure to her and the relationship really has no solid structure. Perhaps there is something about abusive relationships that I haven’t taken into account? Or is this simply a case of “I treat you badly because I love you?” thing? Either way, Ali is such a brat to him and I don’t know what he sees in her, tits and arse notwithstanding. -.5 for seriously destroying the idea of ideal relationships on a level somewhere just below Twilight.
So, with this musical drama played out, I will certainly watch t again for the music and performances, and dwell on the idea that Cher’s next acting job should be Mortisha Addams. 

Title: The Sapphires (2012)
Starring: Chris O’Dowd, Deborah Mailman, Jessica Mauboy, Shari Sebbens, Miranda Tapsell 
Director: Wayne Blair
Genre: Musical, Drama, Comedy
Awards: 4 awards - People’s Choice at the Denver International Film Festival (IFF), an Awgie Award and Major Award at the Australian Writers’ Guild and Director to Watch at the Palm Springs IFF
Rating: 3 Singing Stones
Review: This movie got my attention when I saw the ads during a completely different movie trip. And while I didn’t get to see it in the cinema, I did get to watch it with Mum for Christmas Day. So now that I have had time to sit down and review, I may as well add this to my list.
So the movie is set during the Vietnam War, 1968, when three aboriginal singing girls enter a local competition, are obviously better than anyone else, but get knocked out of the running because of their race. The DJ, Dave (Chris O’Dowd) offers to train them in singing and to get them a performance somewhere. There is just one thing missing, and that is their cousin Kay (Shari Sebbens). She was taken a few years ago because she is of mixed race and educated in white/western traditions. She is not a fondly thought of relative after her snarky comments during a funeral. Nevertheless, she agrees to come back to the singing group.
Of all the girls, Dave learns quickly it is Gail (Deborah Mailman) that he has to watch out for. She has a sharp tongue, a fast fist and is very protective of her sisters and family. She is the self-declared leader of the group, even though her voice is weakest. She agrees (reluctantly) to let Julie (Jessica Mauboy) become the lead singer. And so on goes their training and they are quickly accepted to audition in Vietnam as part of the troops entertainment. This eads to a lot of love interests all over the place, drama and personal issues and fights, like all good dramas should have.
Eventually, they return home to perform again for their family and the town.
What’s that? Where are all the plot points I usually display? Where is the action and explosions that are in every trailer? Well, a camp they are in gets attacked, they escape, the end. Not a lot to it. There is no climax to this film, like I was saying before about musicals, and that this film is simply better defined as a bit of a documentary story more than anything that might be considered up there with other films. Even though it does go well with any other musical I have seen on this level. -1. Either that or it is a Segway to Jessica Mauboy’s musical career. And while I don’t doubt her voice will give her some fun times, I don’t think she’ll last in te music career. But good luck to her for the rest of her life.
There is only one point in the movie where we might actually worry about the girls and what will happen to them. They do get confronted by some of the Vietnam troops during their trip, and it is not obvious if or not they will get hurt or not.
The other reason I knock off a point is because, rather than writing their own songs for the series, they take a lot of songs form here and there and rewrote them into their own styling. While I don’t mind this for the most part, it annoys me when a good song is taken and destroyed from what was to what they made it. This song being ‘Whatta Man’. I get that the original is a bit post-dated for the movie, so why nt just sing something else? But fine, just don’t come crying to me when your song list of originals is too short.
Would I watch this again? Probably not. I would watch it if I didn’t have a lot of choice, but I don’t think I’d seek it out for my own viewing purposes.  

Title: The Adventures of Tintin (2011)
Starring: Jamie Bell, Adam Serkis, Daniel Craig, Nick Frost, Simon Pegg
Director: Steven Spielburg
Genre: Animation, Action, Adventure
Awards: 13 Awards including 2 Annie awards and other various awards for music.
Rating: 3 Golden Unicorns
Review: The well-loved comic series and television remake of the early 1990’s now comes to life in an animated film. With very good choices for voice actors who come exceptionally close to the original actors of 20 years ago. I believe this film is based on the original comic of Tintin, but I wasn’t much of a fan, so I couldn’t tell you. I remember watching the series when I was young, thinking Tintin was so blind to what was in front of him, and had some bizarre survival instinct. If that was the basis for Tintin, the fans shouldn’t be that disappointed.
So we open on Tintin (Jamie Bell) getting his character portrait done. Do I need to say it is exact to the comic series as a tribute? Didn’t think so.
Tintin looks quite a bit like his comic book self… a bit too much. His eyes are PERFECT circles, tiny nose and mouth, too much facial space and his hair is perfectly set as high as it is drawn. Surely there was room for negotiation in the arts department? Or did the original artists come down like a ton of bricks when different, slightly more REALISTIC designs of the characters were presented? In any case, it becomes more and more obvious as the film goes on, that the original art was not only adhered to, it was apparently gospel. But I won’t deduct points for being canon. It just looks trippy.
So Tintin, while out one day, purchases a ship known as ‘the Golden Unicorn.’ Well, considering that the book the movie is based on is the Mystery of the Golden Unicorn, I’d say it all starts here. Tintin has purchased a boat, but it is accidently damaged and we, the audience, and Snowy, know that there is a lost something from the model under the dresser. Tintin soon learns that there is more than one of these models, as he discusses with Sakharine (Daniel Craig). This leads to a lot of to and fro between Tintin and the opposing team, and Tintin getting kidnapped. It is during this time we learn just how agile, dexterous, resourceful and intelligent a small white dog can be. A bit uncanny really.
So Tintin, coming to, discovers he is on a ship headed for somewhere. Making his sneaky escape, he meets with the Captain Haddock (Adam Sercis). He is smashed out of his brains, and will remain so for the majority of this film. Now, while I am all for canon, is it such a smart idea to suggest to your impressionable childhood audience that being plastered out of your mind is the best way to live life? -.5
So form one disastrous position to another, Tintin, the Captain and Snowy are shipwrecked, plane-wrecked in the desert and on and on it goes. Good thing Tintin is such a good shot with a pistol, otherwise they’d still be floating in the middle of nowhere. But finally, the chase leads to the last Golden Unicorn model. This leads to the chase of the movie, and it is rather interesting to watch a ship swap hands in such situations and still come out the other side unscathed. Any model ship builder will tell you how crap that is, considering how easily Tintin’s model fell apart.
So what is the Secret of the Golden Unicorn? Well, that would be a plot spoiler, and I am not going into that, but it is really an aimless chase. However, I will not deduct points for that either. As tempting as it is, I won’t be doing that.
I will take a point off (canon or not) for Tintin’s incredible amount of stupidity. Seriously, how long does it take to put these things together, especially for someone who specializes in this sort of thing? If Lara Croft, Indiana Jones or even Sherlock Holmes were on hand, they’d snap their fingers and know what the hell was going on, as it IS THAT OBVIOUS! Maybe you don’t need that many IQ points to be a journalist of his caliber, but I want to know how he survives without that much common sense and powers of deduction.
So what was good about the movie? The gun fight between Tintin and the crew was pretty good, and the humor that flows on and off through the film was pretty good. And even Thomson and Thompson (Nick Frost and Simon Pegg) of Interpol, the bungling, fool’s luck duo of policemen are worth the amount of laughs that they come with. I don’t know how anything other than their dumb luck in criminal catching keeps them in Interpol, but at the same time, standards were lower back then.
So the last .5 comes off because of the lack of time and space continuum. There are points where people move t quickly and arrive sooner or later than they should, or that the timing of the movie is simply distorted. Either way, I didn’t really like having to sit there and tax my mind over how long it should take and did take people to travel internationally in those times, compaired to how fast they do in the movie.
I might watch this movie, again, or maybe just snippets of it, considering the whole thing seemed to drag at points. And while I appreciate that all but 1 of Tintin’s adventures in the original comic form were two books long, I can get that. But still, put the damned pedal down a little, please.