This Is Your Song

I was watching Big Bang theory today, and it brought up a thought that doesn't cross my mind very often, and that is something that I wish for quite a bit, but never get. I spend a lot of time entertaining, and I can't tell you how great it is to do that for people, and needless to say, I take a lot of requests for people as well as dedications, happy birthdays, etc. But what I really want, without prmpting, is for someone to dedicate a song to me. It's never happened! My name has been mixed in and that's cool, but it isn't totally the same. I want someone, without prompting or because it is my borthday or special occassion for me, to get on stage and say "this song goes to Perry." I think that would probably be the most touching thing for me in the whole world now, just to have that. I have had song dedications in the past, because people have been good to me on my birthday, or done a request for me, but it is not the same as out of the blue. If it was a sudden thing, I'd be very touched that people did that for me, but it doesn't happen. I guess that's the price of being big, people think that you don't need anything because you seem to have it all already. The thanks off stage is great, the applause I get for my singing and dancing is wonderful, but it was earned. I want this to be something special that someone took the time to think this out. And I don't want to ask for this either. I've asked, and it has taken the sparkle out of it. Maybe I've just gone into one of ym romantic moods, but I'm telling the truth. What would be so bad in someone taking that bit of time out because they truly think I'm worth it. I know I spend a good majority of my time outside and only coming inside occassionaly, but being prompted doesn't bother me, jsut so long as I don't know it's going to happen.
I guess a lot of this is also coming from ym recent trip to Daylesford for the Chillout Long Weekend. I'll go into more detail about it in another typed entry, but the weekend reminded me how much it sucks to be single at an event like this. The Barn Dance was fun to watch, but I would have been happy participating, dancing with somebody and getting into it. I know country isn't my thing, but I have always wanted to go to a dance of some description and dance with a guy because it wasn't going to matter what anyone else thought about our sexuality. But it was not to be. And it also made picking up difficult, because you spend your time investing interest in someone and the end result is that they are taken or have another person in mind. Kinda sucks when that happens. I got the impression by the end of evening events tat I either smelled bad (which i don't) or that I bite with force (which i only do when asked). People just get this idea and off they go, leading their prejudice behind them.
I have noticed a recent pattern to the men I've been dating or at least taking an interest in. It is kind of like a final sculpting of what I'm looking for. They progressively get youger, cuter, more financially well off (but not rich nor snorbish) and well... sized. Personalities have been adaptable, but the major down side has been ther lack of interest to go beyond a friendship into a relationship. I guess that this is the final leadup to whoever it is that is going to be my ideal, and the signs are coming in hot, strong, but sadly mixed. I won't go into detail, and those who know the details should. But in short, I have the feeling I am not that far off a good guy. Beliefs and personality can be more compadable, and a few other details, but after that, I simply don't have all the details filled in. I suppose I should get a few love things going, just to finalise what it is I am looking for.
I'm thinking this is a good sign that I am on an emotional down. I've been strong for a lot of people recently, but I am running out of strength, and my few reliefs are becoming fewer and further between. That and TAFE work are starting to weigh in at a good mass. Help me if I start trying to weigh my brain on a set of scales to see how I'm going. At least if I have a lot on ym mind, it'll stop it from blowing away.
The one good thing about this weekend was that a lot of people said to me that I looked good, and I can't tell you how wonderful that made me feel. And while I usually have guys over 50 telling me this, the age barrier expanded from 20's to 50's and I was very happy with this. Outside of my friends, i don't get complimented on my looks that much, so i was very happy to hear that. Would have been happier if someone was willing to step a bit closer and spend more time getting to know me, but what can i expect? I know what I am asking of the gay world and more often than not, I have unrealistic expactations.
I think I've said enough. I'm going to have a warm bath and feel better about this whole situation.... I hope. Night,
Perry