Movie Review

Title: House (1986)
Staring: William Katt, George Wendt, Richard Moll, Kay Lenz
Rating: 3.5 badly designed nightmare creatures
Review: Finally, a horror film that is not nased on either science or religeon. Just what I always wanted. The movie comes with at least 3 sequals, so it probably did a good job to generate that many. But as I always think, originals are always the best. In most cases, I’m right, and there is only one way to find out… all in good time.
The basic plot is that one-hit wonder author Roger Cobb (William Katt) is about as low as he can go. He lsot his child in a freak accident that has been explained as a kidnapping, his last relatives have kicked the bucket and his gorgeous wife of a TV actress (Kay Lenz) has divorced him. So he returns to the house he grew up and raised a family in and tries to write his second book.
His nosy neighbour Harold (George Wendt) keeps wanting to help and is simply one of those ‘I wonder if he’s disposable characters’ character.
On his first night in, Roger gets a vision of his Aunt as she gets ready to commit suicide in her room again as she did years ago. She warns him of the haunted house and that it knows him, and that he should leave. Typical of these sorts of films. Ignoring the warning, Roger stays. Over time events get more and more freaky while at the same time, Roger recalls his days in Vietnam and the horrors he faced there, turning them into a book.
He falls for the gorgeous neighbour Tanya (Mary Stavin) who gets him a baby-sitting job as opposed to getting him laid.
As we soon discover, the house is an alternate dimension zone where freaky things happen and fear is what you must confront. Fear takes the shape of your wife gone horrific in a bad costume suit that is typical of the era, giant insects of some description unknown and the person you regret not saving (Richard Moll). There is no real level of horror that can’t be redone with good CGI, and if you know your horror films well enough you can find a lot of references to both “Psycho” and “The Shining.” The only differnce is that this is more the definition of supernatural/physical horror as opposed to the psychological horror these two films are.
This film got 3.5 for a good reason. I took a point off because the horror, while what I like in a film, is very transparrant in comparison to a lot of other films I’ve seen. The horror and it’s resolution become very obvious very quickly. I also took a .5 off because some of the end footage just didn’t work to the best that it could have. The hero didn’t get laid, we don’t get a lot of closure on what happens to the main characters, etc. You need that in a film. But still, this is a good movie. I probably won’t purchase it for myself, but I’d certainly loan it again to watch.

Title; Splinter
Starring; Paulo Costanzo, Jill Wagner, Shea Whigham, Rachel Kerbs
Rating; 4.0 animated body parts
Review; At last, horror without idiocy… for the most part anyway. I can’t say that every action was smart, but I’ve seen dumber things done in horror movies. But no religion, survival horror is the theme, the thing that is after you has no total explanation, but at least science explains some of it’s motivations and re/actions.
We start off with the traditional 2 couples (which was an instant -.5, even if one of the couples is criminally minded) who are in the middle of nowhere, this time in Oklahoma. One couple is holding up the other and forcing them to drive when, traditionally, they get a flat form running over, not so traditionally, an animal. Of course the animal is flat and dead, but it is still alive and undead and freaks people out. Crimal boyfriend Dennis (Shea Whigham) has a splinter in him and we drive on.
At the occasionaly traditional petrol station in a remote corner of nowhere, the criminal girlfriend (Rachel Kerbs) needs to use the bathroom. But in the bathroom we find the man who was traditionally killed in the opening credits. He’s got just enough life left in him to tell her to run before he comes to life and splinters her to death.
A biologist named Seth (Paulo Costanzo), his girlfriend Polly (Jill Wagner) and our criminal man Dennis need to find a way out of the petrol station alive. We also get the traditional police officer showing up just to be slaughtered because they are stupid enough to follow procedure. This usually ends up giving them an arrow in the head, a bullet in the back or, in this case, being ripped in half but still alive to be tortured by our resident psycho being.
Seth is smart enough to work out a few things about the ‘being’ and it’s undead(ish) minions.
The story itself is enjoiable, as it has all the hallmarks of what makes a movie of survival horror. No one knows where you are, the thing is unknown to you, it is defeating your attempts to get out and there is no overwhelming religion or science (Eg: The Exorcist and Resident Evil) to have to try and explain. However, how they manage to escape didn’t have me on edge as long as I would have liked. A tad predictable at points and, of course, the virus, the ‘thing’ lives. How, who knows? But it is more acceptable than the end of “Friday the 13th”. This earned the movie a -1.
However, I had to add .5 back because the movie inserted the best 2 lines of comedy in an otherwise grewsome situation. The lines are as follows. Details, I won’t give.
“Don’t worry, we’re cutting your arm off.” (said rather calmly)
“Do it faster.” (about 20 seconds later, a bit more edge)
I had to laugh which closed my eyes so I didn’t see the worst of it. All up, I would buy this movie for myself because it is amusing and frightening. It is on the top ten list, position 6, pushing ‘Raider of the Lost Ark’ off the bottom.

Title; The Skeleton Key
Starring; Kate Hudson, Gena Rowlands, John Hurt, Peter Sarsgaard
Rating; 4 Skeleton Keys
Review; As other movie reviews have stated, I like my horror films without the religious twist, or at least not a “Christianity is the only religion that wills ave you” persuassion. A friend suggested this movie, and I watched with interest. I instantly related to the character Caroline (Kate Hudson) and what she believed in, because she is like me in many ways.
So Caroline works at a hospital as a Leisure Worker to the sick and dying, and the most recent death really hits her because the people within the profession didn’t seem to care. Taking a job to care for a sick and dying old man, Caroline moves to an estate out of town. The estate, or Italian style villa, more accurately, is rather large and airy and creaky and cursed. Caroline soon works out that ben (John Hurt) is trying to tell her something, but he is a streoke victim and is therefore incapable. Over time, Caroline realises that Ben’s wife Violet (Gena Rowlands) is a bit more than she seems. What is clear is that something is distressing Ben and that no one believes her, especially not the family lawyer Luke (Peter Sarsgaard). Croline soon finds her world is twisted with dark magic far beyond her comprehension, and all she knows is that she has to get Ben out, no matter what the cost.
The movie ending is not line any other. The bet I can say is that there is a very high price for Caroline to pay to get what she wants. If I say any more, I’ll give away the ending and that would be ver unfair, because you really won’t see it coming, because I certainly didn’t. The good part is that no one die (-.5) and everyone gets what they want.
My only real problem with the movie is that Caroline, in all her trying to understand, didn’t try to find a more permanent way to protect herself (-.5). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, people who are in horror movies have never seen horror movies, but Caroline did quite well for herself, all things considered, she just made wrong moves at the end of the day (-.5). If/when you watch the movie for yourself, you’ll undewrstand that I am not being mean, it is just that there is always a logical step to be taken that the heroe never seem to take. But that would spoil the plot now, wouldn’t it?

Lyrics | Burt Bacharach lyrics - The Blob lyrics
Title; The Blob (1958)
Starring; Steve mcQueen, Aneta Courset, Earl Rowe
Rating; 3 Blob eggs
Review; Yes, it creeps, it leaps, it slides, it glides across the floor. It is made of a combination of axle grease, jam and plastasine and it is coming for you! It is The Blob. This 1958 classic B-grade horror film launched actor Steve mcQueen into the spotlight. Don’t ask me how, considering how bad the acting is. Strong emotions have no level of impact and the ‘rebels’ couldn’t influence a hungry horse to eat.
For me, there were only two freaky points. One was watching the doctor getting eaten and the blob rolling towards the mechanic who has no chance of escape. Other than that, the suspence is in the odds of survival and the usual miracle discovery of the enemies weakness. And sadly, the Blob doesn’t put up much of a fight. But considering everything else that wasn’t in this film, I’m asking a lot there.
Simply, the Blob is from outter space, and a farmer discovers it. The small blob, no bigger than a fist, starts to slowly eat him. Steve (Steve mcQueen) and Jane (Aneta Courset) take him to the locval doctors. While the blob eats the farmer, then the doctor and his nurse, Steve gets mixed up with the local speed demons, booked by the cops and observes the doctors otherwise horrid death. While trying to get help from biast police, the blob escapes and starts to slowly eat people across town. Steve and Jane seem to follow the trail and FINALLY get believed when the Blob attacks a cinema and eats a few dozen people, becoming huge. But what is the blobs weakness?
“CO2 Dave, CO2”. For the less cientific, CO2 is carbon Dioxide used in fire extinguishers and is extremely cold.
Now, I am simply knocking points off because the film had a lot of pretense and very little delivery. It is funny at points and inspires murder-mystery stories in my head, but it otherwise did little to keep up its otherwise huge horror front. But, ebcause the movie was a lot of fun to make fun of, I won’t begrudge it that many points, leaving it over the ½ way ratio.

Title; Eight-legged freaks
Starring; David Arquette, Kari Wuhrer, Scott Tera
Rating; 3 over-sized webs.
Review; Okay, I don’t have a thing for spiders, but I don’t have a fear. I simply don’t like movies that follow the same plot point and stupidity to get the plot going at all. -1. When a spider farmer feeds his pets insects from contaminated water (to which he is unaware) and one bites him, he doesn’t try to lay on the ground and crush it, he has to throw himself into every single spider tank and set all the now over-sized spiders free. Sorry, was I being logical? I’ll stop.
Following that, when the kid who knows EVERYTHING about the enemy says there is a problem, no one believes him until half the town is dead/missing. Now, What I was hoping was a good one on one with giant spiders, what I gt was the answer to how they will kill all the spiders within 10 minutes. And while I admit I had a good time getting t that point, I wasn’t happy being right. -1.
In short, it is another case of man vs. nature. I want nature to win for a change. In the meantime, if you are going t make a film like this, please find something new for your approach. I’m tired of it. The same things been happening in movies like Invasion. Get a grip directors.

Title; Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2
Starring; Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint
Rating; 3.5 cursed items
Review; Considering the book is 2/3 finished at the beginning of the movie, you can be damned sure a lot of extra things have been added to make this film longer. I was happy to watch Professor mcGonagall kick the arse of Snape, and it makes up a little way fr her short-comings in the fifth movie.
A lot of the film is in a darkened scene, so there are times it is simply black with slight movement. -.5 for the blind man who couldn’t see stuff all.
I was extremely happy with neville Longbottom, because he has made the journey has was supposed to make, and he wasn’t denied. I also had a good laugh at narcissa Malfoy, as she looks like she strayed out of Christina and Chers’ Burlesque.
Anyway, the movie had a lot of things missing and a lot of things added from the book, but it did not subtract from the original story, which was unfortunate to begin with.
If you don’t know what happens at the end, skip this paragraph. I took the other 1 off because when we flash forward to the future, Harry and the others have not aged a day, they just dress more grown up. Ginny has a 40’s hairstyle which was all she could do to look older (and uglier) and their sprogling doesn’t look old eough to go to Hogwarts yet.
This movie leaves me asking the same question that I always ask. “Who’s cleaning up this mess?” At least they have magic to help.
But at the end, people who should have died died ad the special effects were excellent. I’ll buy it to finish my Harry Potter collection and I might enjoy it too, since I can see all the actors that I think are cute at a legal age. Mwa ha ha!

Overall Top 10
1) Silent Hill (4.5) (Purchase)
2) The Color Purple (4.5) (Own)
3) The Frightners (4) (Purchase)
4) Shortbus (4) (Purchase)
5) The Addams Family (4) (Own)
6) Splinter (4) (Purchase)
7) Mrs.Doubtfire (4) (Purchase)
8)The Skeleton key (4) (Maybe Purchase)
9) Sleepwalkers (4) (Maybe Purchase)
10)House(2008) ( (4) (Maybe Purchase)